The Thin Blue Bandarqq Swine…An Antepost Special

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I’m no stranger to police attention. I was once driving along with the wife when the old bill pulled me over. The copper asked me if I’d been drinking.

“Not a drop” I replied, “Was I speeding?”

“No Sir, it’s the state of the bint in the passenger seat that aroused my suspicion.”


My run in with the Old Bill pigeon-holes me alongside young Wayne Rooney. The Scouse nutcase had his possessions lifted from his parent’s house recently; imagine that, a robbery in Liverpool. If anyone offers you a half-eaten Big Mac wrapped in losing betting slips, you should contact the filth immediately.


For Rooney, it’s been a summer to forget. The big lad’s temperament was called in to question at the World Cup, when after a couple of niggling challenges from the opposition players, Rooney decided to jump on Ricardo Carvalho’s testicles like they were a couple of hairy chicken nuggets.


Ricky ‘The Soprano’ Carvalho will have a thirst for Bandarqq vengeance as a result of his severe case of the ‘numb plum’ at the hands of the Roonatic. They say that revenge is a dish best served with two veg, depriving Wayne Rooney of a champion’s medal will be a little payback. Chelsea are 1/2 to retain their title; that’s a plum betting opportunity.


Luckily, there is a betting without Chelsea market, and I’m favouring Arsenal to pip Man U to the runners-up spot. It looks like Real Madrid have failed in their attempt to lure Fabregas from the Emirates (paying for Cesc is quite an appealing prospect), while United are set to lose Ronnie and the Ruud boy. 2/1 about the Gunners in a two horse race seems more than fair.


Ricardo Carvalho is not the first man to end up with an angry pair of plums, Neville Neville set the trend 30 years ago. Phil Neville’s Everton teammates look a decent bet at 14/1 to come out on top in the betting ‘without the big 4’.


One of the results of Chelsea’s ‘buy every good player in the world’ policy, is that the relegation battle has evolved into a ‘dolphin’ market; it’s more interesting than the title race for betting porpoises. Wigan performed miracles last season, but they’ve lost Chimbonda and bought Heskey, which is like swapping a Porsche for a wheelbarrow. Take 4/1 about Wigan dropping a division.


Paul Jewell managed to keep Bradford in the Premier League for a season a few years ago; before being relegated the following term, finishing rock bottom. Jewell may be a real character, but so is Homer Simpson, and you wouldn’t want him in charge of your football team. (Unless it was a straight choice between Simpson and Souness, then you’d have to seriously reconsider your position.) Wigan are worth a small nibble at 20/1 to finish bottom of the heap.


Thierry Henry believes that his appearance in the Champions League and World Cup finals prove that he is a winner, although technically, that makes him a double loser. It’s rare for an 11/4 shot to represent value in a 120 runner race, but you can’t look beyond the great man for the Golden Boot. Henry has topped the charts in four of the last five campaigns (he narrowly lost out to Van the man by a single goal four seasons ago); only a serious injury to the world’s greatest player will prevent you from collecting.


The following guide covers everything you need to know for the upcoming Premiership season, and in all likelihood, plenty more that you didn’t.